Losing the Best

Photo by Harman Abiwardani on Unsplash

I want to write about something I have written before in some of my posts. It's about loosing sight of God, but afterwards being restored. Since we're nearing the end of this year, I reflected on how this year was for me. Question upon question was swirling in my head about some things God spoke to my heart in such a precision and affection that I couldn't really understand half of it, but I was faithful to His leadership and I knew He was the One who would know what He has planned for me. My relationship with God was always simple and profound, at the same time. Simple... because I was an unqualified match for Him, but still I felt loved and accepted by His embrace and I knew I can be honest with Him and tell Him everything that concerned my life and everything around me. When I entered this relationship, I received a new relational identity...the identity of a daughter. This leads to the profound part, because the Father declared me worthy of His unconditional, lavish love and connection... a worthiness not based on my behavior or personality or accomplishments or appearance or any other feature, but solely on the fact that He has chosen me to be His. Telling Him my secrets and He communicating His secrets for my life to me was something I enjoyed during the highs and lows of my life. Truly overwhelming... because I was changing as He conveyed more of His heart to me and I was lovesick for His glory and presence in my life.

As He laid some things out in my life, I started praying in agreement with what He told me and I didn't want to force anything of it to happen. I wanted Him to be the Ruler and Leader of it all, so I walked by faith by sharing everything with Him along the way. I realized I'm coming so much nearer and closer to Him than before, which made me happy and gave me a joy that the world cannot give. Years were passing by and still I haven't seen any results and I often tried to give up because I didn't really want what He was giving me. First because it hurt a lot and second because I was happy with the life I was living alongside Him. I didn't really need a change, that's what I thought. But He knew better... oh yes, He knew so much better than my feeble and deceitful conclusions.

As I was praying, listening and hoping, God worked in me things I couldn't have seen otherwise. After the turn of events I found myself barren and I suddenly started blaming God, the most precious Person in my life, for all that was happening. I had to deal with deep roots like my- way- of- leading- life, rejection, unworthiness, self-hatred, unforgiveness, perfectionism, failure, hurt, idolatry and a broken heart, to name a few. It was very painful, there are no words found to describe the feelings, it was as if my life was shattered in thousand pieces like a fallen vessel made of porcelain. I understood the turn of events not as painful as my broken relationship with God. I found myself looking back and seeing how He inspired me and led me all the way. I was questioning His leadership and accusing Him of robbing me of good things and giving me false hopes. I started losing sight of all He was to me. This was the most painful part of it all. I lost His closeness, not because He wasn't close, but because I didn't want Him close, in a way. This destroyed me, it devastated me, because He was my everything, He was my Best Friend...always there to listen and take me unto His lap and into His hug. Abandoning and leaving Him, hurt more than anything else and it seemed like the greatest loss. I was feeling more alone than ever. In prayer I was delivering my entire being into the hands of God and I knew it was in His hands because I once gave it and I never wanted it back. But I couldn't trust Him as before and that ruined me. I was destroyed to see myself in this way. I couldn’t face myself. I tried to build our relationship up again, but whatever outer efforts I employed they produced nothing but failure.

My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?

by Dana Candler

Photo by Unsplash

This poem best describes how I felt and tries to sum up the cries I lifted up to God in my despair and loneliness. I think this was the moment when I truly realized God is my life. I didn't need anything He has promised to give me, but I needed Him. I didn't want to be more attractive, more beautiful, more intelligent, more skilled at things, but I wanted to know Him closer, to live with Him unashamed, to see His happy face every day I wake up, to lay myself down on a bed and look up and whisper Him the words He engraved into my heart: LOVE! More than a life filled with pleasure, free of pain, success, promises to make me happy, title, popularity, a platform, I wanted a heart that longs and truly yearns only for One. So I asked Him for help to make this wish, this hunger, this thirst true. I don't want to loose seeking, desiring, entreating and wishing for His presence, His closeness and His glory. Now I understood why some people say that hungering after God is happiness and thirsting for Him is a blessing, a gift from Him. After it dawned on me, I fell in love with Him anew and I was so happy. It was like everything in my life started "smiling" at me (the trees, the rain, the houses, the sun, waking up, etc.). I felt His love and I knew my heart was restored and our relationship was refreshed and healed. My concepts and perceptions of who God is were aligned with the truth. I had a new request... one supplication: to gaze on God all the days of my life and to worship Him till I have breath in my lungs and till my heart is beating.

​God restored a young passion in my life. I've gone through a lot of processes in the past and I lost some things. He gave me a renewal of a certain naivete in my relationship with Him that I once had, and He lifted some burdens from my heart. God gave me a new freshness and ease. A new season of lovesickness surprised me and found me speechless. I even forgot that He told me that He will do this in my life. What a magnificent Planner and Master.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength/ freshness.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 

I know I've written about a few of these things, but I wanted to close a chapter of my life and start a fresh one. I want to tell you that you can come to God with every question you have and every hurtful feeling, because He will surround you with so much affection that you will be forever ruined for lesser pleasures. Sometimes the heart goes through such a deep valley of sorrow that God Himself is overshadowed by its darkness and thickness. The thing is, whenever you feel that He has left you and let go of you, you stick to Him and you don't let go of the hem of His garment. Hold on tightly to Him anyway. After some time you will realize that He has never left you- He remained in your nearness the whole time. When you walk with Him, you know your destiny, but you will crash, slip and fall maybe more times than you can keep up with counting. What's the secret and hope then? It is to hold on to God and His vision for your life (to live in close fellowship with Him), because no matter how often you fail, YOU GET UP and face Him. A different story begins in my life, I know that and that's why I wrote these things down. Here's a song that most describes the Different Story that begins in my life.

Heavy in my soul, and it feels larger than life, too big to hide
It’s like I just can’t stop this pain deep within
Lost with no hope, so much failure and pride I can’t deny
It’s like I’m trapped inside a maze with no end

I’m looking to the Healer, I’m looking to the Maker
I’m not alone, not on my own
‘Cause I can feel You working in me

For breaking my chains
For setting my heart free
For giving me a new name
This is a different story
For saying I’m Yours
For saying You love me
I’m not alone anymore
This is a different story

Wounds in my heart
They are not what they seem, You have redeemed
They are the windows where You shine Your glory
Pain from my past, no it’s not like it sounds been turned around
I am the canvas where You tell Your story

Healer of my heart I will surrender to You
I’m not my own do what You want to do
You’re the God of hope
You’re making everything new in me

by Jon Thurlow